Well, I'm crap at this journal business.

Haven't made an entry since November, but oh well.

Finals went fine, got a surprise ticket to go home for 3 weeks.
I just got back to Japan yesterday and have spent the day being lazy and jetlagged.

I feel like this isn't for me though. It's not that I'm lacking in ambition, but I just hate it. I hate being so far away from my family. I hate the stress of traveling alone. I'm not in love with Japan the way I thought I would be. The only extraordinarily good things really are my roommates. I've never come to love two people so fast. It makes me feel so guilty for not wanting to be here. My parents have given me a lot of money to do this, I busted my ass for two years to get here, I've taken out thousands in loans.

I just don't know what to do, I hate how miserable I feel and how it is always there under the surface.

Don't get me wrong, this is the experience of a lifetime. But I feel like I've already experienced enough of it for a lifetime. I'm not this hugely adventurous person. I'm a quiet loving, likes their normal habitat, doesn't like drastic changes, kind of person. I know this now and I'm ok with that. Here I feel like I'm constantly being tossed (as in not casually stepping outside) out of my comfort zone. I'm prone to panic if too much shit goes wrong at once. Which I proved to myself last semester when I buckled under too much shit that I could have handled if I had been at home in my natural environment.

This sounds like some bad Animal Planet channel documentary, 'The Jinx can handle copious amounts of stress. But when removed from her natural environment and made to cope, the result can be frighteningly bad.'

It was frighteningly bad too. I was such a mess. I wanted to be with my best friend and my mom. I know some people might think that's a bit childish, I'm 26 and I want my mom when shit gets bad. But honestly, I don't know very many people who don't want their parents when they're in trouble. Whether they admit it or not, my older siblings still call and whine to my mom when they get sick or something.

I don't know what I'm going to do yet. I need to figure out a plan. I've got 3 months. In 3 months I will decide whether I will pack up all my shit and move back to the US or I will go home for 3 months and come back again. I just don't know.

XOXO, Jinx